Don’t Laugh at Me
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thelaughingman
Here are some simple tips to avoid being the butt of your friends’ jokes: • Don’t fall over. Ever. Especially when drunk and on camera. • Don’t try to act cool if you are not. If you are a nerd; embrace it. • Don’t use cheesy pick-up lines, such as, ‘is it hot in here, or is it just you?’ This guarantees immediate rejection and hearty laughter at your expense. • Stay away from the dance floor if you cannot dance. Don’t let alcohol can make you believe that you’re the next Rihanna. • Karaoke should be done with close friends who will laugh with you, and not at you. And leave the high notes to Mariah Carey. • Don’t write love letters in class or in the office. If you do, make sure that the teacher never catches you. He/she will probably read it out to the whole class. • Similarly, if you are bad-mouthing your boss to a co-worker in an e-mail, do not hit ‘send all’. Most people on your mailing list will be forwarding it to other people. You will be the butt of office jokes for weeks to come. • When you wear pants with a belt, try not to pull them as high as you can, unless you are trying to get into the in-crowd at your local science fair or a Simon Cowell impersonator. • Never discuss any of your bodily functions on a first date. You will not get a second one, and your date will be telling all of his/her friends about it for weeks to come. • Do not overindulge in alcohol at the end-of-year office party. Only good friends and family are allowed to see you say and do stupid things. Not the people who you want to offer you a promotion in the near future.
Tags: Laughter, Laugh, Jokes, Alcohol, Karaoke
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Pet Peeves
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thelaughingman
• When you have to make two trips to get the groceries from the car.
• When people with an atrocious voice insist on singing along to the terrible song playing in the supermarket.
• People who have the amazing quality of interrupting a class or a meeting only to divulge some blatantly unnecessary nugget of information just so they can ostentatiously prove their knowledge.
• Girls who purport that ‘tangerine' is a natural skin pigmentation.
• People who know their headphones are too loud, but pretend it's in their normal decibel range.
• When you forget to remove the liquid liner on the back of your hand before you go out.
• When someone sets your iPhone to Norwegian.
• When you ask for no cheese - and you get cheese, melted into everything so it's impossible to remove… and you've already driven out the drive-through twenty minutes ago.
• When Facebook tries everything to tempt you to change your mind as you try to delete your account, i.e. ‘what about your best friend?'
• Retail employees that clearly have no interest in customer service but have somehow gotten a job in a shop anyway.
• The amount of passwords, secret answers, usernames, emails, and the plethora of other information you have to recall on a daily basis just to live, or use your iPhone. No I don't remember my second dogs first initial of his last name!
• “Sorry that username is already taken”…and the search continues.
• “Your password must be at least eight characters long, not contain your date of birth, contain at least one number, at least one capital letter, not contain any of the following “ *, /…” and then once you've sorted that, the infamous – “your password does not match the one above.”
• Those ‘guides' (20 page novels) that you get with scientific calculators – I thought buying this calculator would make things easier…
Tags: People, Passwords, Shop, Girls, iPhone
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Comedians Commit Suicide?
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thelaughingman
Comedians are supposed to be happy. They tell funny stories and jokes, whilst many are famous and make a considerable amount of money. So why is there such a high suicide rate amongst these apparently happy people who give the world so much laughter?  It seems that if you look behind the laughter, you are probably going to find someone who has faced many difficult challenges. Comedians often use comedy to cope with these challenges. Not every comedian is depressed, but it is a fact that there are more mood disorders associated with comedians than other performers.
Actor Jim Carrey has battled with depression since he was just a child. He became a comedian in order to ease this pain, but tried to commit suicide twice. In both instances he took large doses of sleeping pills. Carrey has said that he used to take Prozac to stabilize his mood, but now focuses on spiritual treatment and abstaining from alcohol or smoking because he feels it helps him manage his depressive symptoms.
Comedian Drew Carey has admitted to using food and alcohol to help him cope with depression. Actor Owen Wilson's attempted suicide made headlines in 2007, after his break up with Kate Hudson. It was later revealed that Wilson has been battling depression and taking anti-depressants for years. These are just a few high profile comedians who have admitted to depression and sometimes even attempted suicide.
Dr. Amy Alpine, who is a comedian and also a psychotherapist, believes that both depression and Bipolar Disorder are common among comedians. She goes on to state that some comedians who have Bipolar Disorder do not usually wish for it to be treated. They can't operate as comedians without their manic episodes. Jonathon Winters, Ben Stiller, and Robin Williams all reportedly have this disorder.
The other side of the Bipolar Disorder coin is the fall into deep depression. Chris Farley and John Belushi are just two examples of victims who fell too far. They both added drugs and alcohol to the mix, which no doubt accelerated their depression.
Another contributing factor is that the loneliness of fame can isolate comedians. In many ways, comedians use their comedy as a survival mechanism, but when the laughter dies, the lights go down and the crowd goes home, the comedian is left with just their own thoughts and demons. He can't even laugh at his own jokes – he has heard all of them before. It would seem that depression wears many masks.
Tags: Comedians, Suicide, Happy, Depression, Fame
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The Best One-Liners
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thelaughingman
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a beer gut and a bald head, safe in the comfort that they are super sexy. Everyone thinks that “sex” is the answer; well, it’s not. Sex is actually the question. "Yes" is the answer. Yes, women can fake orgasms. But men can fake entire relationships. Men have two states of mind: ‘hungry’ and ‘horny’. If your man doesn’t have an erection, you should make him a sandwich. Husbands and diapers have one thing in common. You should change them both regularly, and for exactly the same reason. I once saw a woman wearing a shirt with the word "Guess" written on it...so I said "Implants?" If sex is a real pain in the ass, then you're probably doing it wrong. Behind every successful man is a great woman. Behind the fall of that successful man is usually a different woman.
We have more than enough gun control. What we need now is a bit of idiot control.
Women may not hit as hard, but they can always hit low. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." If someone can bleed for five days and not die, I don’t trust them. You should've known it wasn't going to work out between you and your ex-wife. After all, you’re a Libra and she's a bitch. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a frying pan. There's a very fine line between cuddling and holding your victim down so they can't escape. I got in a fight once with a really huge guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." On the one hand, we, as men, will never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can always open all our own jars. Men think monogamy is something you make furniture out of. Women now have choices. They can be married, not married; be married with children, unmarried with children, have a job, not have a job. Men have the same choice they’ve always had: work or prison. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve his wife; after marriage, he refuses to even lay down his newspaper to talk to her. And one for women: Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer someplace else.
Tags: Funny, Quotes, Men, Husbands, Women
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Political Quotes and Gaffes
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thelaughingman
Will Rogers once said: "Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and their politicians as a joke." George Bush Sr. has been quoted saying that he had worked alongside President Reagan for seven and a half years. They had triumphs and made some mistakes, and “We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." Sen. Ted Kennedy, speaking about his then-fiancée, Victoria Reggie, said that she's a wonderful, wonderful person, and that they were looking forward to a wonderful and happy night. He corrected himself very quickly with “— ah, life.”
"They don't call me Tyrannosaurus Sex for nothing." —Ted Kennedy
Bob Dole remarked on working with the Clinton administration by saying that their intent would not be to create gridlock; except maybe every now and then. "There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and ...evil." —This was Bob Dole’s opinion of former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon. They were standing by each other at a White House event "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." —Said the former mayor of Washington, D.C. Marion Barry. George Bush, Sr. was speaking to a group of students about drug abuse and was honest in saying that, because he was a president, it would be pretty hard for a drug dealer to come into the White House and start offering him drugs. But, if they did, he hoped he would say, 'Hey, get lost. I don't want any of that.' He also spoke to the employees of an insurance company. This was during the 1992 New Hampshire primary. He said that it would be rather impossible to be president of the United States if you lacked faith. He remarked on Lincoln, going to his knees in his times of trial and the Civil War, saying that “we are blessed. So we should not feel sorry for — don't cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care." "Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to do, because you're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering." — George Bush, Sr. "I am not one who — who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around." —George Bush, Sr. Ronald Reagan learned a lot when he went down to Latin America to find out from them and learn about their views. He was quite surprised to learn that they are all separate countries. On his tour of Latin America he only had a single regret: that he didn't study Latin harder in school so he could converse with those people.
Tags: Politics, Politicians, Clinton, Bush, Reagan
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How to Tell a Joke
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thelaughingman
Telling jokes is not as easy as comedians make it out to be. Good comedians have the ability to tell a story about something ordinary, but making sound hysterical. If you want to be the funny guy at the next party (and not by tripping over your own feet and falling into the swimming pool), use some of these techniques that professionals implement: Be brief Be brief and get a first laugh as quickly as possible. People don’t want to know all the superfluous stuff that happened before the first punch-line - unless it’s hilarious. A strong opening will captivate your listeners and they’ll be more likely to stay interested. It helps to write the story out and highlight the funny parts. If there are too many lines in between funny parts, try to tighten it up. Make your words more interesting and creative – especially the adjectives. For example, try and use words like “ginormous” or “colossal” which are more interesting than “big”. Give details Choose only the best details or highlights from your story. Keep it funny and leave out the boring parts. If a character has big ugly feet, you should portray them as the person with elephant feet. Details that lead up to the punch-line should be quirky – a story about a desperate woman coming on to a man could say, “she was all over him like a fat woman over a cupcake”. That is funnier than saying “the woman was flirting with a guy”. It’s quite acceptable and sometimes helps the story to describe the other senses such as smells, touch and sounds. People can immediately visualise, connect and become ‘grossed out’ when they hear something like, “Her skin felt like a lizard with a bad case of acne”. Mix it up Add a few twists. Take this for example, “There was this woman with a cat… that reminds me, what’s the deal with cats anyway? My cat is like my teenage son, neither responds when I call their name. Anyway…” Work the crowd Ask your audience questions as you tell the story; It keeps them invested and curious. Ham it up Exaggerate an accent or mannerism. Don’t overdo it though. You may wish to practice in front of a mirror. Keep it fresh Don’t tell the same jokes at every gathering. You don’t want be known as “Jack with the boring jokes”. Find and practice new material. Know when to stop People usually only remember the last part of a story. If the ending is flat, it will kill the joke. Keep them wanting more.
Tags: Story, Funny Joke, Comedians, Professional
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History of Clowns
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thelaughingman
When we think of clowns today, we remember our childhood trips to the circus - Bozo the clown with his big red nose and over-size shoes, spraying water from a fake flower. But this is a far cry from clowning’s satirical history. The origin of the word ‘clown’ is thought to have come from the word for ‘clod’, which in Scandinavian or Teutonic means “a coarse or boorish fellow; a lout”. Clowns go far back into history and there are even traces of clowns in Greek burlesque and the Roman Amphitheatre. During the Middle Ages, ‘fools’ and court jesters entertained the kings and nobles. They held a privileged position, as long as what they did as ordered, by amusing their masters. They were versatile and could play musical instruments, sing, dance and do acrobatics – all with a touch of wit. The jesters from early history dressed to be the object of ridicule by wearing a hood with donkey ears and sometimes a tail. This was meant to show his audience that he shouldn’t be taken seriously. This outfit eventually evolved into a three-pointed cap with bells at the ends. It was in old England that a clown was first used to provoke laughs and provide comic relief. Much like the clown in the modern day circus, he was not really part of the main act but was usually used to ease the tension and warm up the crowd. Shakespeare used clowns in his plays; the grave diggers depicted in Hamlet were clowns, Othello had his clown and Launcelot Gobbo was Shylock's famous clown. In France, the clown was the Pierrot. Originally, with his signature costume and powdered face, he was a happy clown as well as an accomplished dancer. Today, we usually see the Pierrot's character as a sad figure, usually with a black tear painted on his white cheek. The Harlequin (although French by name) first originated in Italy. He wears a black mask, shaved head, and is an expert acrobat. Harlequin clowning was popularized in Pantomime. Pantaloon also originated in Italy as ‘Pantaleone’. It is the Pantaloon who first showed us the clown as a tragic figure, laughing even though his heart was breaking. Leoncavallo's "I Pagliacci," the popular opera, depicts this and the 1928 silent film "Laugh Clown, Laugh" was based on this very opera. So where did the depiction of today’s clown come from? The German clown had a painted face with no personal expression, but Germany also gave us today’s typical clown costume of a baggy suit, ruffled collar and oversize shoes from a character called Pickelherring.
Tags: Clown, Jester, Clowns, Clowning, Harlequin
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Sold on the Internet
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thelaughingman
People sell some strange stuff on the internet. In the past, people have sold their cats on eBay, empty buckets, drinks bottles used by celebrities and plenty of other oddities. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell whether they’re actually serious or whether it’s all an elaborate lampoon. However, it is probably safe to say that whoever buys any of these bizarre products deserves whatever they get. Gerrit Six, a teacher, decided to sell the Principality of Belgium on eBay. Though, in all fairness to Mr. Six, he did happen to point out that the country was not in mint condition and had quite a bit of incumbent debt. Even though this sale offered the chance of peaceful occupation that any self-respecting state or petty autocrat should have jumped at, no one seriously bid. Some people put up these things just for comical effect and hope that their fellow internet shoppers will appreciate their sarcastic way. Others, however, seem to have an underdeveloped irony gland, and therefore can’t recognise even the most overly sarcastic listings imaginable. For example, someone is selling a vintage, mint condition air guitar, previously owned by such greats as Jimmy Page. That’s right. A guitar. Made of air. This is one of those moments in life when perhaps we need to ask whether our entire society has lost the plot. The most disheartening thing is that some people do not always get the joke. One customer on eBay reported the air guitar after they were asked about the costs of shipping to different parts of the world. Although not confirmed, it is reported that the seller replied by saying that the normal FedEx shipping was not available so it must be done using Themiscryan Invisible Airlines. Perhaps now they realise that it was a joke all along!
Tags: Ebay, Internet, Gerrit Six, Air Guitar, Strange
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Proposal Wins and Fails
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thelaughingman
Proposing is a huge step to take in a relationship and, of course, no one wants to mess it up. Whether it’s the man who proposes to his girlfriend or the other way around, everyone wants it to be a special and memorable moment. There are so many different approaches people have taken when it comes to proposing, and while some of them have been successful, others have, quite frankly, turned out less successful than expected. If there’s one lesson to learn about proposing, doing it on live TV is never a good idea. That is, unless you want the world to potentially see it go wrong. There are a surprising number of online videos of people who try to propose on TV, only to have it turn out badly. Generally, the girlfriend runs off the stage in confusion, says no, or worst of all just stands there and says they should talk about it later. It’s painful to watch, and probably much more painful to experience. Stay away from the cameras unless you know you and your partner are ready to take the next step. Another painfully common mistake people make when they propose is to hide the ring in an unsafe place. A ring in a champagne glass is one of the most common places and also one of the best places to cause a choking hazard. One man tied his ring to a balloon, not realising that the girl would let go of it—and lose it forever. If you want to give someone an expensive ring, make sure it actually gets to the person. A marriage proposal is not something you want to get wrong, and if it does go wrong, you probably don’t want to remember it. Keep your proposal simple and memorable, and no with TV cameras.
Tags: Proposing, Girlfriend, Champagne, Choking, Live TV
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Pet Peeves
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thelaughingman
We all have those trivial things that just drive us crazy and bug us no end. Pet peeves are a part of everyone’s lives, and even the nicest and most understanding people will get infuriated if they come across them too often. Although annoying, they are part of what makes life interesting, and knowing some of the common ones can help you to avoid them—or help you to wind up your friends. One that nearly everyone has is somebody touches, or worse yet, eats your food. Even if they are an extremely close friend, it can drive you up the wall. Imagine the situation where you’re in a restaurant and a ‘friend’ reaches over and takes one of your French fries or enjoys a sip of your coke. This doesn’t bother everybody, but some people won’t even let their significant others share what’s theirs. If in doubt, it’s always best to avoid coming in contact with anyone’s food without asking permission. This pet peeve may just boil down to simple manners, but most people can’t stand it when others chew food with their mouth open. Noisy and messy eaters are an annoying and sometimes it can put you off your own food. Talking whilst watching a movie, play, concert, or any other performance where listening is imperative is something that can cause serious rage. Most people don’t want extra commentary—they’ll save that for the DVD bonus features. Keep your thoughts to yourself, at least until after the movie. Other pet peeves include bad drivers (people who park badly, don’t use signals, or who drive to slow), phone etiquette (talking on the phone loudly in a restaurant, café, library, or movie.), and many more. If you want to avoid bothering people, then take a look at your habits and see if you’re doing anything wrong.
Tags: Pet Peeves, Infuriated, Coke, Friend, Annoying
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