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Hilarious Two And A Half Men Quotes [Report Abuse]

Posted by: thelaughingman

Everybody at thelaughingman.tv loves Charlie Harper and the extravagant people around him. That's why we want to share some of the funniest Two and a half men quotes with you.

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W

Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no! We're not going down that road at $300 an hour!

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

Charlie: I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!

Charlie [filling out medical form]: Have you had one of the following: measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yes!
Jake: I don't know.

Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.

Charlie: Alan, I can't do this anymore, I quit!
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

Charlie: Great, why don't I just shoot myself?
Alan: Can't afford a gun.

Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.

Tags: Two, Half, Men, Quotes, Charlie, Harper
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I Owe My Mother... [Report Abuse]

Posted by: thelaughingman

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times.. Don't exaggerate!"

13.. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father.."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Tags: I, Owe, Mother, Jokes
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Some Of The Best Friends Quotations [Report Abuse]

Posted by: thelaughingman

Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

[In response to a stupid comment] Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.

Rachel: Wha... married? Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married! Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?

Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams. [Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.

Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*! Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!

Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.

Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.
Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.

Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No.
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.

Joey: [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him] Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!

Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.

Rachel: You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.

Mike: You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you?
Ross: No...
Mike: Oh okay. You just have that look.
Ross: [to himself] Damn SuperCuts!

Chandler: You can't come in.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?

Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."

Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.

Tags: Friends, Funny, Quotations, Quotes, Series
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The Funniest Ads Ever [Report Abuse]

Posted by: thelaughingman

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, hope chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor's dog.

Free puppies: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill's Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it's in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Tags: Funny, Ads, Newspaper, Sale
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Squirrel banned from riding rollercoaster [Report Abuse]

Posted by: Editor

The rodent was said to be causing headaches for operators at Alton Towers by getting in the way of improvement work on an attraction at the resort.

Workers noticed it riding the revamped Sonic Spinball roller coaster as it was tested in the mornings and joining visitors who were offered an early go on it before the official opening.

The grey-haired animal was also caught stealing food from the workers.

A spokesman for the Staffordshire theme park said: ''It was getting in the way of builders who were painting.

''They couldn't carry on because they would end up with paw prints in the paint.

''And we can't have anything on the track when the roller coaster is going round.''

Alarms were installed that emit a warning noise inaudible to human ears but designed to ensure the squirrel, nicknamed Sonic, avoids the ride in future.

Morwenna Angove, sales and marketing director at the Alton Towers resort, said: ''Unfortunately Sonic's behaviour is a danger both to our guests and himself and so we're doing all we can to ensure that he stays away from the ride.

''Banning a squirrel from a roller coaster is certainly unusual but I suppose there's a first time for everything.''

The Sonic Spinball ride officially opened to the public yesterday to coincide with the start of the February half term.

Tags: Squirrel, Rollercoaster, Alton Towers, Daredevil
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Valentines Day nears-jokes on marriage are a must! [Report Abuse]

Posted by: Editor

• Sweeter Sides of Life

Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always." Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot n Spicy, "Delicious anytime." Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice." Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip.

• Respect to a Dead Union

A husband reminded the wife, Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I want to start the day with two minute's in silence.

• Senseless and Careless

A man before marriage stays awake happily whole night contemplating about the wordage of lover woman. Then after marriage he starts snoring faster then loving wife utters the first word.

• Wise Saying

Your money gets transferred faster than lightning When you marry.

• For unmarried only

Happy Independence Day.

• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

~ Sacha Guitry

• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

~ Socrates

• Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

~ Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want"?

~ Dumas

• I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

~ Sigmund Freud

• 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

~ Anonymous

• 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

~ Sam Kinison

• 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

~ James Holt McGavra

• Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

~ Patrick Murra

• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

~ Nash

• You know what I did before I married

Anything I wanted to.

~ Anonymous

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

~ Henny Youngman

• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

~ Anonymous

• First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

~ Anonymous

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without...but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

My wife and I always compromise; I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without...but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.

When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife,

"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car

is new or the wife.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Bachelors should pay more taxes, they enjoy a better quality of life.

Why Government does not allow a Man to Marry 2 Women.

Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake

When do you congratulate someone for their mistake.

On their marriage.

If you do NOT have a wife - You are missing Some thing in your life.

If you have a wife - You are missing So Many things in your life.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

engagement ring

wedding ring

suffering

Tags: Marriage, Couples, Valentines, Jokes, February, ...
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Secret Valentine [Report Abuse]

Posted by: Editor

Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.

He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he's doing.

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards reading, ‘Guess who? Can't wait to see you again, lots of love, x x x’” says the man.

“Why on earth are you doing that?” asks Bill.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.” replies the man.

Tags: Secret, Valentine, Joke, Divorce, Lawyer
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Beware of the Animals (these are real!) [Report Abuse]

Posted by: Editor

Tags: Funny, Comical, Animal, Signs, Signboards
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Satan Baby Cradle [Report Abuse]

Posted by: Editor

A crib designed for Satan... He probably strolled too close to the rocking swords, no wonder he has to walk on hooves:

Tags: satan, crib, cradle
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I am a Sagittarius [Report Abuse]

Posted by: thelaughingman

CAPRICORN The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid.. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want. 20 years of good luck if you bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality... Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of luck if you bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive.. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of good luck if you bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19) Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous... Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of good luck if you bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard -- passionate. Expresses themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined.. Indulges themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of good Luck if you bookmark thelaughingman.tv

GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express them selves. Argumentative and outspoken.. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22) Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.... 16 years of bad luck if you do not bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22) Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos . Attractive.. 13 years of bad luck if you do not bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Dominant In relationships. Conservative.. Always wants the last word.. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.. 7 years of bad luck if you do not bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not bookmark thelaughingman.tv.

SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive.. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.. 4 years of bad luck if you do not bookmark thelaughingman.tv

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up ( Peter Pan Syndrome ). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing.. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 4 years of bad luck if you do not bookmark thelaughingman.tv

Tags: Sagittarius
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